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Many feel unworthy to have their partner in their life at all after everything they’ve put them through. Recovery support groups and individual therapy can help you if you are struggling to make amends or accept the responses of others. A sponsor or therapist can help you talk through your choices, determine the best course of action for making amends, and consider how your actions may affect others as you seek to make amends. Generally speaking, people work through the Steps of Alcohol Anonymous with an addiction treatment counselor and/or sponsor. You can also turn to AA’s Big Book andTwelve Steps and Twelve Traditions(the 12 & 12) for guidance specific to Step 8. Think of amends as actions taken that demonstrate your new way of life in recovery.
If you repeatedly missed appointments or broke plans with loved ones, don’t simply apologize. Refrain from making promises or commitments you don’t intend to or are unable to keep. If you miss an appointment or event due to circumstances out of your control, provide a specific apology that includes why it happened without excuses. Living amends refers to the ways in which you change how you live your life in recovery or “walking our talk.” These changes affirm your commitment to the direct or symbolic amends you made with others. Living amends represent the long-term actions you will take to remain committed to recovery. Indirect amends are a valid way to complete Step 9.
Jun 13 Living Our Amends
I’m not saying this to be like, “Oh, we should take it easy on addicts,” because I don’t think we should or anything like that. I’m just saying deep inside they are wanting to do these things. It’s been so twisted throughout childhood and life that they’re addicts now. When we work on ourselves, we living amends open up the way to give out and receive all those things that we’ve always wanted and just didn’t know how. At the same time, let’s say it’s nothing that DCSF or Child Protective Services would take into account, and they’re like, “Okay, well that’s not actionable.” Does that mean that it’s healthy?
I had guilt with my mother when she died, but it was nothing like I have with the guilt I have with my husband. He died ten months ago from cancer, 26 days after diagnosis. I was working so my daughter helped me take care of her dad, she would stay home with him for three days and then cover for me at work for two days so I could be with him on those days and the weekends.
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It means that you’re not just using your words to show a change, your actions are proving this change as well. Making amends is important, no matter if a person is going through AA or not. Before starting, it helps to write a list of people harmed. Write down what happened, who was harmed, and how you could make amends. Once the pain they caused someone else to experience is understood, the person with a substance use disorder can work to ensure it does not happen again. It is healthy and wise to avoid making the same mistakes in the future by writing things down, confronting the person head-on, and creating a space for the healing of broken trust.
Her work has been published internationally in many publications. She is a qualified Reflexologist, Masseuse and Life Coach. She has created content for intherooms.com for many years and was Editor at iloverecovery.com. She has lived with type 1 diabetes since she was 7 years old. Willingness to eliminate certain activities (at least until you’ve established solid sobriety) such as traveling for business, spending time with certain friends, unfettered use of the internet, etc.
Art as Living Amends: Nick Cave on Creativity as an Instrument of Self-Forgiveness and the Necessity of Hope in a Fragile World
If you promised your father to help him mow the lawn on Sundays, but years have passed, and you’ve never once shown up, start now. If you promised your son or daughter to be there to see them off to college, clean yourself up and show up. You don’t have to be the best son or daughter, and you don’t need to be an ideal parent, but you need to show up when you make promises to do so.
- For example, let’s say a mother didn’t make an effort to escort her children to the school bus stop.
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- Willingness and determination to clear away the havoc of our past lives pave the way for our new lives.
The darkest thoughts keep creeping in and although I wanted him to die in my arms with his blanket in his house with me I can’t get the hours spent while he was dying and how he looked out of my head. Can someone just help me get to a better place so I can see the fat, funny, silly dog that I was the only human in his life since the beginning. We believe that the only path to forgiveness is asking it of the person we love, the person we believe we hurt, and making amends for what we did wrong.